Our Relationships
Monday, November 30th, 2009
Kendra Van Wagner, at about.com, tells us that “Attachment is an emotional bond to another person. Psychologist John Bowlby was the first attachment theorist, describing attachment as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings” (Bowlby, 1969, p. 194). Bowlby believed that the earliest bonds formed by children with their caregivers have a tremendous impact that continues throughout life. According to Bowlby, attachment also serves to keep the infant close to the mother, thus improving the child’s chances of survival.” Since that time other researchers have studied relationships so that we now know that our styles of relating are influenced by the first relationships we ever had, for most of us that would be our biological parents. Why is this important? Attachment theory provides not only a framework for understanding emotional reactions in infants, but also a framework for understanding love, loneliness, and grief in adults. Attachment styles in adults are thought to stem directly from theworking models (or mental models) of oneself and others that were developed during infancy and childhood. Ainsworth’s three-fold taxonomy of attachment styles has been translated into terms of adult romantic relationships as follows (Hazan & Shaver, 1987). So when two people find each other and think that this will be the relationship for them throughout their lives what is often not accounted for is each person’s own history of relationships and how that has influenced their styles of getting along with others. In working with couples in therapy it is not always easy to suggest a behavioral change for them, even if it makes sense, because the foundation of their behavior stems from an earlier time in their lives. Take these examples from personalityreasearch.org: Secure adults find it relatively easy to get close to others and are comfortable depending on others and having others depend on them. Secure adults don’t often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to them. Avoidant adults are somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; they find it difficult to trust others completely, difficult to allow themselves to depend on others. Avoidant adults are nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want them to be more intimate than they feel comfortable being. Anxious / ambivalent adults find that others are reluctant to get as close as they would like. Anxious / ambivalent adults often worry that their partner doesn’t really love them or won’t want to stay with them. Anxious / ambivalent adults want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away. There are two things that we can take away from these thoughts. The first is that the climate in which we raise children, the ways that we relate with them, the words we use, all help them to establish their ways of being with others. Abuse, whether an occasional mishap or a pattern, time spent with a child and how it is spent, the role of substance abuse if at all, or even use of substances which stretch the limits, all can make a difference as to how the adult is lead to behave with and raise a child. The second take away from these ideas is that your primary relationship and other important ones as an adult do not just stay the way they are. For them to be of quality and afford companionship, happiness etc will require the attention and effort of each party to that relationship. Relationships are living and breathing realities. Give them the care they need so that your life is what you wanted and hoped it would be. Dr. Paul J. Melrose is Executive Director of the Samaritan Counseling Center of SE Michigan. He can be reached through www.paulmelrose.com or www.samaritancounselingmichigan.com. Phone him at 248-474-4701. The Samaritan Staff can be reached also at 248-474-4701.